Be My Valentine

When did this happen? When did I become the mom of a toddler who brings home artwork, can babble her teachers' names, and has to bring Valentine cards for all her daycare friends? I swear she was a drooling, crawling little baby just yesterday!

But no, now I find myself at the dining table surrounded by her my first little 'school project'. This is one of those things they don't tell you as a new parent. What's the etiquette for Valentines cards? Chocolate or no chocolate? Handmade or store-bought? When I was a kid, cards came in a box and had perforated edges and cartoon images of doggies and kitty cats on them. Somehow, I feel like I need to do more than that (oh gosh, I sound like a 'stage' mom already!). So who does "more" better than Martha, which is where I got this idea:

I took a vacation photo of Chloe, photoshopped it up, and printed it on these leftover tent cards from our wedding. Is there anything cuter than chubby-cheeked profiles of little kids? I think not. Then I added some foil wrapped chocolate hearts, packed them in little bags, and taped it to the cards. First school project done. Do I get an A for effort?

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If you're still looking for some Valentine's ideas, here's some great ones here, here, here, and here.

On Mothering: Where The Sidewalk Ends

I'm writing today's post in memory my dear friend Willow who passed away from cancer earlier this year. This Sunday, a group of us will gather once again in her honour to participate in the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure. If you'd like to support us and our goal of working towards a future without breast cancer, please visit my donation page here.

This post is a little more personal, no dust or renos involved, so feel free to skip this one.


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Chloe and I reached a milestone of sorts last week but rather than jubilation, this milestone has left me a bit melancholy. After 17 months and 10 days, we've ended our breastfeeding journey.


I don't know how we quite ended up here, so far down this road. Before I was a mom, I knew I would breastfeed but I thought six months for sure, maybe a year, was how long this relationship would last. I just never thought breastfeeding was "my thing", so to speak. Unlike my sister who was a La Leche League advocate and extended breastfed her babies, I never felt that breastfeeding was something that came to me naturally. And now its gone and I feel inexplicably like a small piece of me is gone too.


I was luckier than most. Chloe latched easily, there were no supply issues, and I only had one bout of mastitis. I had no qualms about nursing in public (underneath a cover) and had a circle of friends whose homes I felt comfortable enough to nurse in too. So it has been the perfect supportive environment for this relationship to flourish.


But while I loved looking at Chloe's face, watching her fall off to sleep as she nursed, being able to calm her cries by just bringing her into me, watching her grow and thrive from my milk, it has been long and difficult too. No matter how much you love your child, this particular journey can at times make you feel confined, restricted, claustrophobic. When there is a helpless little one who demands to be fed every 1.5 hours you do it... though your other inclination may be to run, run far away. At those times, I would feel a twinge of guilt. How could I think such things? I was the one who brought helpless little one into the world and I knew full well what that would demand of me.


But there is more in the nature of breastfeeding than just the physical act of feeding your baby. And this is the part I was not prepared for. It literally forces you to give up a piece of your body, your space, your being, to someone else. I have grown accustomed to having ownership of my body so for such a precious baby to lay immediate and total claim to it was difficult. At times, she would own not only my body but my mind too, as I sat or lay there, counting the minutes, my mind filled with the million things I had to do, but not being able to move an inch. "Be in the moment" my sister would tell me. It could be so difficult to enjoy those moments when they ate up the better part of your hour, your day or your week.


Surrender. Sacrifice. That is what breastfeeding has taught me. To give wholly and completely. I guess in my selfish ways I never thought I'd be able to nor want to do that for so long. But I'm so glad I did. I appreciate that my body was able to do that and nourish my baby and give her the best start possible.


So this week, as I reminisce about my friend Willow and other women whose breasts failed them, I am thankful that mine did not fail me nor Chloe. Its time for us to get off this path, little girl, and step into a whole new direction.

Things That Became Apparent After I Became A Parent Part II

Part I here.

1. 'Sleeping through the night' is a myth. If you do manage to get a few nights of uninterrupted sleep, baby will suddenly change it up by throwing in some teething, 2am play times, sickness or standing in her crib repeatedly, just to keep you on your toes.
   
   
2. Your toddler will be able to squeeze herself into spaces that seemingly only bunnies and tiny fairies could fit into.
   
   
3. Sometimes, your toddler will crawl faster than you can run.
   
   
4. It takes only a one-time showing for your toddler to learn a new bad habit.
   
   
5. Finding some "alone time" means spending five extra minutes in the shower.
   
   
6. Daddies come with an innate talent for throwing baby high up in the air and making her giggle uncontrollably.
   
   
7. Your little one may refuse to eat the healthy organic meal you spent an hour preparing but 10 mins later will instead choose to pick up and eat the kernels of rice that fell onto the floor.
   
   
8. Your toddler's first tricycle may be cooler than your first car.
   
   
9. Your toddler will know things and you will have no clue how they learned it.
   
   
10. There is nothing more heartwarming than seeing your parents play with your children.
    
    
11. No matter how hard you try and practice, "mama" will likely not be your baby's first word. However, she can say "dada", "dad" and "daddy" with perfect elocution.
    
    
12. Helpless babies turn into walking talking toddlers in the blink of an eye.

Any things you moms want to add to the list?

On Motherhood: Up and Away

This, then, is the art of motherhood, and it is not an art of the mind: to hold on and let go, at the same time.
-- Her Bad Mother

This is where I am at these days. Chloe and I are in a new routine - I'm back at work (working from home luckily), and she is shuffled between daycare, Grandma, and home with mom or dad. Its a tough transition and the little one knows that she no longer has momma all to herself like she's had 24hours a day, 7 days a week for the past 13 months. So we struggle. Chloe has never been the clingy sort but these days there are times when she will wail if I put her down. Our nighttime routine is broken and we are muddling our way through sleepless nights peppered with comfort nursing and sobbing until we bring her into our bed. Sometimes I wish it all away and look forward to the days when Chloe is more independent, adjusted, weaned.

And then there are those times that I can't hold her close enough. That I can't wait to lay down beside her, hear her hum along as I sing her to sleep. These temporary moments are anchors in our day, quiet and still. The rest of the time is a whirlwind. She is a toddler alright, doing laps around the main floor, trying to squeeze herself under furniture, poking, prodding, tossing, eating, touching, roaming, yelling, laughing, examining, experimenting, discovering. I sit back and marvel at all the new things she's learned. But it breaks my heart just a little bit too to watch her grow up, watch her grow away.

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Read this.

Found via reader jbhat (thanks for the recommendation) and domestic reflections.

On Parenthood: Possibility

This is a house in my neighbourhood.

And this is the elementary school at the end of my street.

The Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper, grew up in that house and attended that school. And one day, my little Chloe will attend that school too.

I have no illusions that Chloe will grow up to be Prime Minister, but finding out those interesting facts about my 'hood really made me stop in my tracks. If some boy can grow up in the same place I am raising my child and become the leader of our country... what can my little girl grow up to be?

As a child, my parents instilled in me the belief that I could do and become anything I wanted to be, no matter my race, sex, height (or lack thereof!), age, or colour. I didn't realize it at the time, but my parents gave me so many experiences and exposed me to many things, just to show me that the world was indeed my oyster. I have fond memories of my dad piling up the neighbourhood kids in our station wagon and taking us to the Lions Club swimming pool and asking for the Family rate for this mis-matched gaggle of children. And our summer barbeques where we would roast a whole pig in a pit in our backyard, my uncles explaining the delicacy of crispy pig skin to our curious neighbours. Or how we would dress up in our finest clothes and go to watch the symphony at Roy Thompson Hall (and I would notice at intermission that we were the only immigrant family about. This was the 1970's afterall). I asked my dad once why we did all those things, why my parents seemed to go out of their way to expose us to so many varied and different experiences, and he said "Because I never wanted you to grow up thinking you couldn't do those things."

Finding out about the Prime Minister brought me back to that thought. These days, the things Chloe can't do are becoming more a part of my parenting her... don't touch this, don't eat that, don't climb there, hold on, be careful, be safe. Its a natural instinct to want to protect your child, but I was reminded that sometimes I need to push her and support her, beyond my own comfort zone.

Chloe's personality is really starting to shine through. She is a social butterfly in her music and swimming classes, always smiling at the sight of other babies, wanting to touch them and play with them. She is loud and happy, clapping, splashing, making noise! And so much energy and curiousity she has; I am forever chasing after her, trying to get her to pay attention or sit still but most often letting her explore and crawl about. I see other mothers giving me that look, feeling so lucky that they have a quiet docile baby and not this rambunctious lively handful. In a word, Chloe is so different from me as a child :) And that is the challenge. I don't want to constrain my child and limit her experience of the world because of my own inhibitions. I don't want my fears to become her fears, by default.

I need to believe that yes, my daughter could become Prime Minister. That is a possibility. The little boy down the street taught me that. And as her mother, her first teacher, and her greatest nurturer, my role is to instill that belief in her too. We give our children many gifts, but the most wonderful of these is opportunity.

Go exploring, Chloe-belle. I'll be here to catch you if you fall.

Becoming Mom

I hope you all don't mind if I do a little mom talk this post. Renovators, feel free to skip this one :)

Wednesday night was a momentous occasion in the HandyLuster household. We now have a bona fide crawler in the house! Things are about to get interesting around here. Heck, they've been really interesting over the last two weeks. In that time, Chloe has hit some of the milestones in rapid succession. She's learned to go from tummy to sitting, started to clap, started to wave bye-bye, popped a tooth, and even pooped on the toilet (sorry if that's too much information, ha!). And last night she crawled. I know these are all normal achievements for a baby her age, but when you actually see the little one observe and process and practice and then finally "get" something, it really does make you say 'Wow! That's the miracle of life, right there in front of me.' Amazing.

Has it really been only 8 months and 23 days since my world turned topsy-turvy? I look at Chloe and realize that she has become a baby, soon a toddler, and right alongside her, I've become a mom. I couldn't have imagined myself being the mom that I am. I say that in all seriousness. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder how I got here -- who is this breastfeeding, baby-wearing, baby-led-weaning woman? Save for the breastfeeding, there's so many things I never knew about, let alone thought I would put into practice. It amazes me that there are so many things you need to study or take tests for... getting your driver's license, graduating from high school, becoming a citizen... but having a baby -- pop one out, here you go, baby's all yours, do with her what you will.

The proverb is right... it does take a village to raise a child. Lucky for me, I had a mom, sister, aunts, cousins, and friends ready to pass on their motherly wisdom to me. I had a virtual village too, finding information on chat boards, websites, and blogs. And since I know some of my readers will be moms too soon, I thought I'd pass on some of the things I've learned along my journey. These are just ideas and concepts that worked for HandyMan and me. You should do what works for you; after all, there is no one 'right' way to parenting :)

Hypnobirthing: When I was pregnant, I bought this book. The book proposes that birth can be a relaxing, comfortable, and pain-free experience (yes, sign me up for that please!). Using a variety of relaxation, breathing, visualization and physical exercises, you become well prepared for a much more natural and stress-free birth. While my own birthing experience didn't go exactly to plan (do they ever?), the techniques I learned really did help me to relax, focus and even enjoy the experience.

Doula: We had a doula help us before, during, and after the birth. Think of a doula as a labour coach. While the doctor/obstetrician is focused on the baby during childbirth, the doula is focused more on the mother. Although HandyMan and I had attended pre-natal classes, I knew there would be no way either one of us would remember all the techniques and positions when it actually came down to crunch time. It would be the first time either of us would be going through an experience like this, so why not get a helping hand? My doula Kristi was great. She met with us before the birth to give us nutritional tips and exercises. She was there to help me walk the halls while HandyMan grabbed a much needed nap. When I had complications because Chloe decided to come out sunny-side up, she was there to explain what was going on and what my options were. And she was there a week later to give me breastfeeding and swaddling tips.

Baby Wearing: Can I tell you how much HandyMan and I love to wear Chloe in a carrier? In the early days, Chloe would sleep for hours as I carried her and I could actually get things done around the house. HandyMan loves to walk over to Home Depot with Chloe strapped on. I love my Moby Wrap while HandyMan prefers the BabyHawk.

Baby Led Weaning: BLW, or self-feeding, is something I've written about before here and here. I can't recommend this approach detailed in this book enough! It has made mealtimes around here fun and easy. Chloe is a pro now at feeding herself and will eat just about anything. I'm really hoping her lack of pickiness now (her faves are zucchini, broccoli, and naan bread!) will last as she gets older.

Elimination Communication: Though I'd heard of Elimination Communication, its not something I ever thought I would do. I thought when the time came for toilet training, I'd be just another one of those parents... running after my little one as she screams "I don't want to go on the potty!"... or sitting there waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting while she goes... or pleading with her that she's a big girl and she doesn't need a diaper anymore. But something funny happened... one day, Chloe gave me "that look" and I decided to run her to the bathroom and sit her on the toilet. And it worked! Job done, no muss, no fuss, easy as could be. I've been continuing trying to read her signals for the past week and it is going well and really, anything that helps avoid a few dirty diapers is something I can get on board with :)

Sidecar the crib: We are a cosleeping family. That means that most nights, Chloe will end up in bed with me and HandyMan at some point. Some people don't agree with co-sleeping, but we enjoy the benefits it brings: baby and parents sleep better, longer, and deeper; its easier for night time feeds; and it reduces the risk of SIDS. But here's the issue: I need my space! I like to stretch out when I sleep. I need room to roll over and change positions - and Chloe seems to be the same way (she will push me away sometimes if I'm napping too close to her!). So we've sidecarred her crib next to the bed as shown on this site. Not only does this make it really easy to breastfeed her at night, but after nursing, we can both have our space and get a good night's sleep.

I guess HandyMan and I fall on the attachment parenting side of the spectrum, and our choices reflect that. No matter what approaches you take though, I'm sure we're all striving for the same thing - to love our children and raise them to be happy and healthy individuals. That's really all that matters.

Thinking Pink.

She was impeccably dressed. It was hard not to notice her - perfectly coiffed silver hair, wearing a cream silk blouse and matching slacks, sitting at the picnic table drinking red wine out of a plastic wine glass. Not the sort of thing you expect to see at an antique fair held out in a field.

I was sitting at another table, waiting for HandyMan to come back with some lunch. The little one was hungry too so I did that awkward dance -- unhook the bra, put on the nursing cover, get baby in place, move all my clothes out of the way, all the while trying not to give anyone a peep show. I saw her looking at me and wondered if she thought it peculiar (odd? wrong?) that I would be doing there what I was doing. Yes, that must be it because soon enough she was standing at my side. "I must commend you on your decision," she said. "Not many young women today breastfeed. I breastfed both my sons - they're 50 and 48 now - and I have no regrets". I murmured a quick Thank You, and with a smile, she was gone.

Her words had an impact on me that was unexpected. The first thought in my mind was how hard it must have been for her to be a breastfeeding mom 50 years ago. I'm sure those types of things weren't done in public in those days so I imagine she was pretty much confined at home, what with a baby on a two-hour feeding schedule. And the logistics of it boggles my mind. When I think 1959, I think dresses with heavy boning, zippers up the back, cinched at the waist. There were no nursing bras, nursing tops, or nursing covers in those days. How did she do it? I was amazed since her well-kept elderly exterior didn't say "breastfeeding advocate" to me.

My second thought was this - thank you for saying that. As a new mom (and I'm sure many others out there can relate), its natural to second guess yourself. Am I doing this right? Am I feeding baby too much? Not enough? Do I dress her too warmly? Am I playing the right games with her? Am I doing enough to help her learn - grow - thrive - succeed?? Everywhere you turn, there is some magazine or blog or tv show telling you how you should raise your child. It can be daunting to pick the "right" way, the way that works for you and your family. So when that sweet old lady came up to me and said "I commend your decision" what I really heard was "Good job. Keep at it even though it can be tough. You're doing well." Because I'll tell you, breastfeeding a baby every two hours for the last six months is tough. And sometimes a kind word is all you need to help you keep going for another day.

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October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I'm writing this post for Chloe, who reminds me why its important, and for Willow, who is fighting her battle yet again. Be aware, be proactive, and take care of yourself.

Things That Became Apparent After I Became A Parent

1. Yes, you can survive on 4 hours sleep a night.
2. Its amazing what you can do with only one free hand (because the other one is busy holding baby/holding a bottle/holding a breastfeeding baby)
3. All those things you could accomplish quickly pre-baby take 8x longer to do post baby.
4. You will be late - for everything.
5. The spit up on your shoulder is invisible to you and only you.
6. You will have no qualms dancing around in public places when wearing your baby in her carrier. And sometimes, you will forget and dance around even when baby isn't there :o\
7. The second you are ready to walk out the door... baby will demand to be fed/be changed/be put to sleep. And you will be late. Refer to #4.
8. You will have no problem buying many new cute little outfits for your baby, while you walk around in an old hoodie as its the only thing that suits your post-preggo body.
9. Just when you think have things figured out (like the nap routine or the feeding schedule), baby will keep you on your toes by changing it all up.
10. It is very easy to take 1200+ photos of a single subject.
11. Some people are dumb and think its perfectly acceptable for a stranger to come up and touch a baby.
12. Doing laundry is a daily chore, not a weekly one.
13. The toys will overtake your house. Resistance is futile.
14. The amount of drool/poop/spit up is not proportional to the size of the baby.
15. Joining the parenthood club is the best thing HandyMan and I ever did. The price of initiation is steep, but the rewards are immeasurable.
16. Managing to write a blog post daily when there is a baby around IS IMPOSSIBLE. (Thanks for sticking with me folks!)
    

Becoming a Mom

No, I'm not in labour :) That's how I start most of my phone calls these days so thought I'd start my post the same way. You know, in case you were wondering ;) Baby HandyLuster seems to like the April 15th due date because there's no sign s/he will be early to the party. Which is fine with me because I'm enjoying being off on mat leave, cleaning up the house, running errands, and filling my head with all sorts of information on how to be a mom.

Its funny, I find my approach to impending motherhood is the same as my approach to designing a room. I research, research, research - on the net, on chat boards, in books and magazines, from TV shows, on blogs. Then I'll collect those ideas that resonate with me and store them away for future reference. With motherhood, its a bit more difficult because EVERYONE has an opinion and much of it is conflicting. People have the best intentions when they're giving you advice, but its difficult to hear your own voice, find your own way sometimes. I find comfort in the thought that there is no right or wrong, as long as you're acting in the best interest of the baby.

One kind friend at work passed this onto me: Dunstan Baby Language. Have you heard of it? Its a system that claims to help you understand the meaning of your baby's cries. I'm not sure if it will work, but anything that will help me keep baby crying less and smiling more is worth a try. Do you have any tried and true tips to pass onto me? I'd love to hear them!